Look Inside

I dreamed the other night about being in a swamp. The fog was as thick as the New York telephone directory. I couldn't see where I was at, or which way to go. Finally, after standing there for what seemed like hours, I saw a faint light off in the distance and headed out in the direction.

I tromped through knee deep muck, with a smell so bad that you could almost cut it. I finally reached the point from where the light was shining. It was a tiny little island of solid land, with a tiny hut in the middle. The light was shining brightly from a window in the side of the thatched roof bungalo and the smell of food cooking drove me to peep inside the small door.

There was a little gnarly old man squatting over a fire with one little pan, frying some meat of some sort. "Come in, stranger" he said "I will share what little I have with you"

"Who are you?" I asked

"I am your spirit" he answered

"I am always here, although many times you do not know it and seek me out when you need me"

"Here...eat" he said as he handed me the food.

I took a bite, and immediately the surrounding changed. I was no longer in a tiny thatched roof hutch but found myself in a huge mansion with hundreds of lights hanging from the ceiling. I walked outside and the night was as crystal clear as a diamond. Stars twinkled and blinked and looked down on me with joy. There was no trace of the dark swamp, the fog, or the feeling of despair which I had so recently experienced.

I turned around to look for the little man, and a very handsomly dressed man stood there in his place. I recognized him as the same person, but totally different now, almost angelic in his demeanor.

"What was that you gave me to eat?" I asked him

He laughed gently "Now I can't go telling you all of my secrets can I?"

"Just remember, it's always there inside you when you need it"

The thought just popped into my head that I should always seek first inside me for the strength I need before looking to the world for them.

Then I woke up. Wish I could have slept a little longer though.

Life is Fleeting

We go one with our lives like we are going to live forever, don't we? I know I do. The thought that I am not going to have a tomorrow, or a next year is alien to me. It is just nor real. I wonder though, if we knew we had just a very short time left, what things would we want to do? What would we want to "finish up?" Would they be mundane? Would we do wonderful things?

I would want to see all my family, and reminisce with them for a while about the good times we have had. I have two or three favorite books I would love to read ONE more time! There are a few movies that have touched my heart so much, I would want to see them one more time. There is music I would want to listen to again….mostly from the 60's!

I have a couple of favorite eating spots I would love to go to one more time. I would greatly love to go to the beach one more time.

I would want to visit a few little towns that I haven't been to in a while. I would want to go to the spot where my Grandparents house used to stand, and walk the old trail back up into the woods for a mile or two (in the Fall of course…no snakes, but then again with such a small amount of time, who cares about snakes?) I would want to have one more Christmas with my family.

I'd like to give some money to someone who was hungry to buy themselves a meal. I'd like to give away all my junk I have here at home that I'm never going to use, and wouldn't have time to sell. I'd have a "come and get it free" yard "sale" Wonder if anyone has ever had one of those!

I'd like to sleep soundly and perfectly for 7 or 8 straight hours without waking up to go to the bathroom, check on the time, take a headache pill, or any of those other distracting things. Just once….that 8 hours of sleep. Wouldn't that be a waste of time, you say? I certainly don't think so, because when you sleep you dream. I would love to dream. I have so few good dreams nowadays. I am not so sure we get to dream after we leave here. Hate to lose that wonderful aspect of life.

Really, when you think about it, this sounds like a pretty good list of things to do, doesn't it? Actually, it's what we do all the time. It's life. And if we fail to live it to the fullest, then we have nobody to blame but ourselves.

So, tomorrow I will start ticking these things off one by one. It's never too late to change, and maybe God will give me enough time to finish off living this wonderful life he has given me. You never know, I may have time to get through this list, and start another one!

What would YOU do?

Life's Meaning

What are the things that give our lives meaning? Recently I have been thinking a lot about it. I have long nights to think about it half of the time now. Life is difficult. But, in a way it has given my life more meaning because things have become more difficult. I don't have the time I want to do the things I want, but I have had to learn to live and enjoy doing even the things that I don't want to do. That's what life is after all much of the time isn't it?

I enjoy writing about as much as I do anything. I haven't done it anywhere near the time that I want to do it. Somehow, I feel a little afraid to do it. I feel a little guilty because it feels as though I am doing nothing worthwhile. I need to be making money! I need to be doing something, always doing something. I think I am the type of person who will be trying to get up off of his deathbed because there is something that I meant to do which hasn't gotten done yet.

I guess we never finish, do we? You just run the race and life decides where the race ends not us. I don't see the finish line yet, so I am going to keep on running. I hope everyone else does too.

Until next time.

Hello Christmas, you come again.

Hello everyone. Merry Christmas! It got here again, and as usual I have been a bad boy this year!!

I hope this Christmas finds everyone well and with their families and having fun. If the reality is that things are less then perfect, well that's the case everywhere isn't it? We all have this idyllic notion in our head of what Christmas should be: Snowflakes and candy canes. Traveling to visit relatives (and getting along with them...no fights now anyone!) Opening presents. Going to Church services.

I think if I could I would want to stand on top of the green hill behind my Grandparents house just once more and look out over the valley where they lived at the little creeks flowing down through the meadow, at the big Mountain in front of their little old house. I would like to go back and watch each of my children open their first present. I am sitting here this morning trying to remember what each of them opened (by theirselves) first in their lives. I can't remember it. I lost it somewhere along the line, as my memory gets a little hazier every year.

As we eat the meals today, and open the presents let's all give thanks for what we have. Even before we open our presents what most of us have is much, much more than what the majority of the rest of the world has. Maybe next year we should share a little more with the have nots of the world, and worry less about how many presents we are getting the people we love, who already have so much. Maybe we should try to make the WORLD a better place in 2010.

It's not time for New Year's Resolutions yet, but that is mine. Really, it is this year. Try to make the world a better place...maybe for just one person somewhere out there who on this Christmas day is having just another ordinary day, just getting by.

Blessings to all of you my friends and family. Blessings and Joy!!

Purpose

I have lived my years so far in this life searching for the purpose for which I was put here. In this time, I have gone down many, many paths and dead ends looking for it. I have thought several times that I found it, but was wrong. I have tried to complicate the search, I have tried to sanctify the search, I have tried to secularize the search, I have tried to make the search technical, and I have failed. I have given up and thrown myself into paths which have wasted precious time. I have started over again so many times that I cannot remember how many. Hopefully, I have come through all these trials, errors and failures and may have at last become experienced enough, insightful enough, or maybe just smart enough to realize my purpose.

I began to get closer through the process of elimination concerning where my purpose was not. I had no desire to stick to one thing and become really great at it. It didn't take me very long to become "good" at anything I tried to do, and once I reached the good stage I became bored with the process and stopped short of becoming great. The moral of this story for anyone who cares to read is to choose wisely when you start looking down paths.

I always had the desire from a very young to be a mother. I now have three great children, who turned out much better than I deserved. I have enjoyed sharing this physical existence with these wonderful souls. They have all become more than just children, they have become friends. I am hoping they have found where their heart is, and their life's purpose. I think they are perhaps coming closer than I have come. Maybe bringing these people into the world is the purpose for which I am here?

But maybe, just maybe the whole purpose of being here is just to live your life. There are lots of ways to do it for sure. The Christians say "live life to the fullest, through Jesus." The hedonists say: "Eat, drink and be merry for there may be no tomorrow." The philosophical say: "seek that which enlightens you." I am not so sure that I don't agree a little bit with each of them. Having been indoctrinated into the Christian teachings so young in my life, and having been more involved with them it is sometimes hard to see the other points of view objectively, although I think we really have to. I don't think we should condemn anyone's point of view, religion, philosophy, creed, or any other type of way of living in which they adamantly and truthfully believe. The reason? They are living their lives. Just like the rest of us. If they aren't living it as well, or as richly as some of us on some levels, then that's just circumstantial. They may be living better than us on some other levels, such as on the spiritual level. Which matters the most then? Does having more on the material level help you live your life more fully? It certainly does seem like that is where some of the hearts of some people are at. If they cannot have "things" then they feel unfulfilled. Perhaps it's better to have 30 minutes or an hour by yourself to just think, then it is to have a movie to watch, and when that hour or so is gone you will find you have just wasted it and have not accomplished anything whatsoever. Believe me, I have done it. And the sad thing about it is we never get those hours back. Never. I should be sitting on the couch right now talking with my granddaughter about things she is interested in instead of pecking away at this computer keyboard. As a matter of fact, I think I will. So, I have to continue to wonder what my purpose here is some other time. Right now I want to use some of the remaining time I have left usefully.